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I Miss My Dad

I don't really know how to begin....ok, my father passed away on Dec. 13, 2000, ater a long illness with elzhiemers, it was almost a blessing, but still a great loss, cause he was my dad, and I loved him very much. My two siblings and I became closer during the time of his funeral, and am happy to say, my sister and I have somewhat of our old reasionship back. My mother, who was re-married to a wonderful man, went beyond out of her way that Christmas, to make sure that we all would get through the Holiday's after my fathers death. She suceeded as she always did, but she seemed very worn-out and tired and everyone said it was because she was just trying to do sso much for us. She will be O.K.

Two monthes later on February 9, 2001, she went to the doctors for some tests, the doctors convinced her she needed a triple bypass because she had blockage leading to her heart, they told her that this would be the best for her and she would feel like a million bucks when she recovered. My wonderful husband and I drove from Pennsylvania to Rochester, New York to visit her in the hospital the next day. We were going to buffalo for the weekend to visit my brother. When we saw her she looked great, I couldn't believe after that surgery she would be sitting up talking, laughing and visiting like it never happened. Well her dinner came and everyone that was there, decided to go to the cafeteria for coffee and let her eat in peace, I was cutting up her food and peeled her apple and set her up so all she had to do was eat....well about a half hou later we went back to say goodbye, and to tell her we would be back on Monday to see her before returning home....my husband and I were the first ones at the hospital, we went to her room and she wasn't there...no problem I thought, she is probably walking around or something...boy was I wrong...when I asked the nurse she hesitated to tell us she was in the I.C.U. My husband and I got there and for about Forty minutes nobody would tell us anything...I got out of control and said to the poor old lady at the dest , I want to see my mother now, and if you don't tell me I will go and look for her myself". In that instant my stepfather came in and he knew nothing as well, the next thing we know is they are telling us to go into this little room and the dooctor needs to speak with us.

The doctor came in and said, "Rose Marie is very sick. We won't know for sure until we open her up. I froze, my husband held onto me and I held on to my stepfather. The doctor said, Nothing is staying down and she cannot get rid of any fluid or bowel in her. They need to go in and find out why? We went to see her before surgery (my husband and I) my stepfather was sighning papers for her surgery, OK this is where I loose it....She was awake but in the processof being put under, they had no time they said....I can't begin to tell you what I saw, My mother, my best friend, my everthing was lying there, tube in her throat, and her eyes where huge like she was petrified, which I'm sure she was, but her head was rolling from side to side and the nurses kept telling her to lie still. She needed to tell me something and couldn't. I know it and now I will never know. All my husband and I could do was tell her that we were here and her husband was sighning papers and he was here and that we love her and would be right there when she came out. Well the doctor told us that this was not a high rate of survival if they went in and found what I think they were looking for, he told us to call everyone close to her and get them at the hospital emediatly. Oh my god, I thought, no, this cannot be happening.

My brother and nephew were already on there way. My other brother lived about a half hour away, I called him and he thought I was over exagerating so he took his time. By the time I called my sister in North Carolina, I was histerical. She is a nurse and when I told her she said no matter what she would see me in a few hours. By the time everyone got there it was about 4 hours. The doctor came in to tell us she has a number of problems, they took 70% of her intestines out and tried to find any cancer or blockage that was causing all this. The final word was she had a 10% chance of survival. Well she never woke up from her coma and nothing they did was helping. She blew up to twice her size because nothing was exiting her, and the last resort was Dialisis. Which didn't work either. Mom passed away at 11:08 pm on Valentines Day 2001. My life has not been the same. I need so many answers. I was still grieving my Father. He had only been gone for 2 monthes and 1 day. I don't know where to go, i have to take sleeping pills to sleep. I feel so worn out and I still cry all the time.

Please, if you have any suitable explanations please let me know. My husband ask's me what am I looking for and I really don't know. What I want is her back and I can't have her. So do I go to her? And Where is she? I want to believe she is in heaven cause she is an angel of mine. What???? I don't know.
Lost Without Her

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