I Miss My Dad
My father died 4 weeks ago. I haven't cried. I don't understand. I loved him very much and we had a good relationship. He was a doctor. I am a doctor. Even while I write this I don't feel anything, yet ten years ago, a beloved pet died and it dropped me to my knees. While he was going through his illness, he would ask me, "What do I have?" I would tell him, "End-state renal disease." He would then say, "What does that mean?" I would tell him, "Dad, I know what it means, I'm a doctor too." He prepared me all my life for his death. He prepared everyone around him, including my mother, for his death. At the funeral, the remark was made, "You women are really strong." My sister, myself and my mother didn't cry. We're talking about a man that was loved tremendously. The funeral director said that seeing our family made it worthwhile and to come to work--that he could tell that my father was loved. I even sang and played the guitar at the gravesite in celebration of his life. He loved and played music. But still I don't cry. There are times that I tear up, but I get past it. I know this isn't a normal way of grieving. I know I'm not in denial of his death. He made it known that he wanted someone to make sure that he was really dead after they pronouced him dead. I checked his pulses, one hour post mortem, just because he wanted me too. There was no doubt in my mind that he was dead. The only thing I can think of, about my inability to cry, is that he talked to me clinically from the beginning of his illiness. He didn't have anyone else in the family that he could talk to clinically about his health, on that level, except for me. He was scared and I was his confidante. Clinicians don't cry, they manage health care. Those talks with my father, coupled with the fact that my father told me many times, "Doctors don't cry," could be the reason that I don't. Dad, this doctor needs to.
<
more messages to read >> <<
send a message >> <<
more from the site owner >> <<
back home >>