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I Miss My Dad

It's been a little over a year since you passed on 1/15/2001. You were in the hospital exactly a month. They said that you were having trouble breathing so they put you on the ventilator to help you. Remember when we flew up and saw you. C was five months pregnant with your grandson. I had talked to you on 12/11/01 and had told you the good news. You immediately bought a train set. I don't know what happened in that hospital but after two days your heart stopped and they worked on you for an hour. You basically died but somehow you hung on. All throughout your illness you were the strongest person I'd ever seen. They told us you wouldn't live through the day. I held your hand all day and sat beside your bed. We all did. But you hung on. They told us that you were brain dead and to take you off the support but we knew that wasn't right. After a few days you did gain some conciousness back but we didn't know how much. I stayed with you for two weeks sometimes staying up all night and not leaving the hospital. I was checking your numbers to see how you were doing. The worst part is that the stem cell transplant engrafted. It worked dad! After two weeks I had to fly back home. I stayed for a week and mom called me one morning to tell me you weren't doing well and I should fly home. I was waiting in the airport and I got paged over the intercom. I picked it up and a guy said to call my wife. Just as he said that my cell phone rang and it was her. She told me that you had just passed and they then called my flight to be boarded. I missed you by three hours. I'm so sorry I wasn't there dad. I am so sorry I wasn't there to see you go. I'm so sorry I moved away from you. These past six years have been really hard. I was hoping that someday you would retire here. I miss talking to you and getting your advice on things. The hardest part is that you will never know your grandson. He was born 5/5/01. Less than four months from your passing. All my life I had wanted a son who would get to know you. I had pictures in my mind of you playing with him. I always wanted to see how you would act with a grandson. I feel life has cheated me of this. I don't know how to get past that feeling dad. We're moving back. We sold the house and have a closing date. In a way living here has shielded me somewhat from being reminded you aren't here anymore because I wasn't seeing you on a regular basis. I think moving back is going to be hard but I know it is the right thing and I think you would've wanted me to be near mom. It's going to be very different without you around and I really miss you. Would you visit me when I sleep?? I haven't seen you in some time and would like to talk to you in my dreams. I miss you dad. Your Loving Son.

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