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I Miss My Dad

Dad, Do you even remember the first time I called you "Poppy" and how it ever became "PoppySeed," I don't know. Who knows, but it was a long time ago. Even though I knew you loved each of us the same, it made me feel so special when you called me Number 1. I think you did that to both Jayme and me, didn't you? We miss you a lot. We are going to scatter your ashes at Anclote Island like you asked, and it will be on your 49th birthday. It will be hard, but maybe it will bring some sort of closure to this nightmare. I feel as if the last year I have been walking around in a daze. It was only June that you found out you were sick, and less than a year later you are now gone. I never thought it would happen. You were such a fighter, you were so strong and so positive, I thought you would get the transplant and live to see my children. You didn't...and it tears me apart that your gone. I never imagined a pain as bad as this. An emptiness in my heart, my life, and my soul without you here. I think back to the week before you left us, I'm so glad I was with you. Remember eating pizza and watching Friends? I will remember that forever! It was so fun, you cracked me up!!! I really didn't want to go, but I think I had homework to do, so I left. I am so thankful that I called you Sunday night and the last words I heard from you were "I love you too." You are so special and no one will ever replace you. You are irreplaceable.

I gotta tell ya, Dad. I'm having a hard time with you being gone. I sort of blame myself. You know that weekend before you left us, I kept thinking that I should take you to the hospital. Every time I asked you said no, but I think I should have persisted. I wonder what would have happened if I'd just taken you in. I never asked before, I just said "let's go." Why did I choose that time to let it go, and let you have your way. You sounded so tired. I remember you sounded so cranky too. I wish I would have at least stopped in that afternoon, but I didn't. James tells me not to think about that because you were at peace, on your couch, asleep. I know you would not have wanted to die in a hospital hooked up to tubes. Maybe he is right. Maybe God made it happen that way so that you could be at home, they way you would have wanted. Whatever is true, I just miss you so much it hurts.

I see your stuff that is now at my house....like your TV, your bed...your address book....and it seems strange to me that all your stuff is sitting around at my place, when it should be at yours. It makes me mad. I want to throw it all outside and maybe that would mean you're back. I know it doesn't, it's just the things that go through my head, because I miss you so much.

I know you keep sending down signs....please keep sending them, Dad, because they comfort me. I know you're here with me, and you always will be. I love you Poppy!

Forever your baby, Pamela

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