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I Miss My Dad

This Pain

Dear Dad

This pain, this pain, is just too deep.
It cuts like a knife.
It puts a rock at the bottom of my heart.
Too deep.
Too deep.

I wonder where you are..
Can you see me dad?
Can you see mom?
Can you hear us when we talk to you?

This pain is too deep.

I knew when I told you that you and mom didn't have my permission to die before me, and you told me "Kid, that isn't the way it is going to happen", that you were right.

I didn't want to hear that dad, but being a mother myself, I knew that was the way it should be.

And now, I have to face that bitter truth, the one I dreaded, but knew I would have to face. You have left me. You are gone. The most important man in my life, my father.

You, and my mother, suffered the most unimaginable loss, the loss of your only son.

I'm sorry I wasn't born a boy, so that you could have your son back, in some manner.

I'm so sorry I wasn't a boy.

I'm sorry for every time I disappointed you.

I'm sorry you had to worry so much about me.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you died.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am so very sorry.

I'm sorry I lost you.

I'm sorry I don't have you with me.

Who am I going to go camping with?

Who is going to tell me when I'm doing it wrong and give me guidance?

Who is going to protect me, when I need protection?

Who is going to love me in the same unselfish, and unconditional way that you did?

Who?

I miss you dad.

I want to go camping.

I want to fish (even though I didn't want to touch any of the slimy things connected with fishing before)

I want to go blueberry picking, even though I used to whine about all the mosquitoes in my ears, nose and eyes.

I want to be standing on top of that tower at that Horicon place, with you and Uncle Don, complaining about what an icky, dreary day it is, and having you, and Uncle Don, explain to me that that was when you could see the beautiful colors of nature.

I want you back dad. I want you here with me. I want you to tell me what to do.

I want that hug that you would give me that told me everything would be O.K., even though neither you nor I knew what would happen.

I want your smiling face, deep voice of reassurance, your hug, your touch, your love.

I've tried talking to you, but you don't answer.

When I pray to God, and Jesus, I get a warm fuzzy, so I know they are listening, but when I pray to talk to you, I get cut off, and everything is cold.

Are you there?

Do you still love me dad? Do you remember me?

I miss you. I want to go camping.

I want to spend time with you, be with you, talk to you, have fun with you, be able to have you tell me the wise thing to do.

How do I go on without you?

I miss you so much dad.

I don't want you to be dead; I want you here with me.

I want you here with me. I wish you could come home. I really wish you could come home.

I love you dad.

You were my rock.

Now, I am rockless.

How do I live without my rock?

I love you dad,

Your loving daughter,

Martha

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