I Miss My Dad
Hello, I read your letter to your father, and how I can relate to you. My grandfather died on Feb 24 of this year. He not only raised me but he was the stay home Mom, while my grandmother worked. So losing him was like losing not only my father but my mother as well. He would have been 78 on his birthday, and I turned 30 on mine, without him. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't shed a tear for him. I knew all my life that he wasn't in the best health, and that he would one day die. Each time I would pray to God for forgiveness, and other things, I would always say "don't take him until I don't need him anymore." I always believed that prayer would keep him alive, but on that day in Feb. I prayed for God to take him. He died at home, and laid there for 11 minutes until the emts got there. They brought his body back to life, I never saw his eyes or smile again.
I was at an auction selling antiques for them, when my best friend came into the room. I instantly thought something had happened to her son, my God son. I asked where he was...then she told me it wasn't Justin, but my pawpaw. I prayed every prayer I knew on the way to the hospital. When we got there he hadn't arrived there, we waited and waited, finally the ambulance arrived and they opened the doors. I saw his socked feet, and wanted to run to him, Tina (my best friend) grabbed my shoulder, the rest of the stretcher came out and they were having to breathe for him. I knew in that second that I would never hear his voice or feel his love again.
I could go on and on about that night, it is printed into my mind forever. I am sure you hurt as much as I do, as I read your letter, my heart broke over again, for the words you said are the thoughts in my head.
Now each time I close my eyes, I see his hands or his eye lashes, small things I guess...I never want to forget. But I know so well how the mind looses things so quickly. How the shape of a fingernail, or the curl of someone's hair fades in your mind. How they smelled in the morning, or after a hard day of work.
I feel guilty a lot of times for wanting him here, and being selfish. I know he isn't in any more pain, he is with God, and is in wonderful hands. But I am lost without him, all through my life he has answered any question I have had, to ones that I didn't ask. I have regrets, time not spent with him as much as I got older, things I shouldn't have said, times when I made him mad. But I dont' think about those or try not to. As for the grieving process, I can't say what stage I am at, I don't feel anger, so thats good.
When my a childhood friend was taken from me 6 years ago, I lost my faith with God, I hated him for taking her. But I found him again, or the other way around, I can say this time I don't blame God for pawpaw leaving, I don't blame anyone. I just wish I could have told him good bye and that I loved him that one last time.
I know...I know..he knows that I love him, as I know he loves me. But to have just been able to say the words and be able to hear them from him. I can't say I remember the last words he said to me, maybe one day they will come to me. But as for now I just keep thinking of days of when I was a little girl how I love him so much.
If he were here I know what he would say, "you are only making it worse on yourself, stop this and go wash her face." If it were all that easy. I hope things get better for you, I just wanted you to know you weren't alone...that there are other daughters out there that miss their fathers. But we can make it.
One last thing, his name is the same as yours, which brought a smile to my face, Lee. I have decided if I have a child, boy or girl I will name he/she..Lee. It's such a glorious name. Thank you for your time, I hope you have a great day. I know how hard it is. But the next time you think of your father, think of me, and I will do the same for you. Smile, thats what keeps me going...smile. He would like that..
Sharon
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