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I Miss My Dad

My father died when I was 9. He had a heart attack aged 41. The last time I saw him he was dropping my brother and I back to our mums house,they were separated. I always said "take care" ,this time I didn't, I forgot. For many years I blamed myself for his death. I knew it wasn't rational but sometimes rationality is the last thing on your mind. My life has been undoubtably affected by his death but all the greif I buried and all the associated problems with such a loss are coming to the surface and there is no getting away from it.it is nearly 20 years since his death and I feel a little stupid having such a strong sense of loss and heartache so long after. I dont think I have the strengh or time to work through all the stuff yet I do realise its now become something that will not go away. It used to be that a few times a year I would have a massive cry over dad and my life without him and then the next day be ok and back to normal but I can not shake my utter sorrow off. My body is just so tired of these utterly draining emotions and my mind cant grap onto anything long enough to try and sort it out. It all starts to overwhelm me and my heart is broken by it. It is not only the actual loss of him,as in not having him physically around but also the life I have led without him and I am certain some aspect of my life would be different , I'm not saying they would be better but simply different.I know this sounds ridiculous but I sometimes feel that if i work through all the grieve and deal with it all I deserve to see dad ,that will be my reward for putting myself through the mill, why else would you do it? I'm not daft though and do realise that by dealing with it my life, being me, would probably be better but still it seems like an awful lot of work and torture. As is the same with everyone I wish I could have some time with him to talk to him as an adult and understand him as an adult and to introduce my daughter to him. I still see people in the street and for a second thing it's him and only a couple of months ago i was in a bar having coffee waiting to meet a friend and there was a man sitting over the far side and he looked at me and even though it didn't look like dad it felt like it was him. The urge was to get up and run to him and just cry with grief and joy. His death has also left me with a huge fear of lossing someone else and of a certainty of a short life for myself which greatly upsets me because it would mean my daughter would have to go through it all. I must go on but I might be back for another outpouring of emotion soon!!! Even writing this small bit has helped me realise a few things ,its great to get it put of my head . Bethany

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