I Miss My Dad
Dear Dad....

You know I wish I had thought of this sooner. But well you know how it goes. Or maybe you don't. I don't even know if you are alive or dead. It's been easier for me to think that you are dead. Because why would a dad leave his kids? Why wouldn't a dad want to be apart of their lives?
I have 3 kids now. Hard to believe huh? I haven't always been the best person but I have tried my best at everything I tried. I have so many questions to ask you. I wondered what I would say if I ever got an opportunity to talk to you again. All the questions I had in my head seem to escape me now.
I guess what it boils down to is that I have learned to live my life without you. Sad to say, but that is the way it goes. It was really hard not having you around. Mom was always lonely and still is most of the time.
There were things that I had wished you had been there for. When I had my children, your grandchildren. When I needed someone to teach me things that only a dad can teach a daughter. Fishing, camping, working on cars, stuff like that. I was always a tomboy and I think that you would've really liked me if you stuck around.
I know things weren't good between you and mom. I was there. I saw it. It still haunts my dreams sometimes. I wondered if I would've made the same mistakes if you were around to guide me. I guess all that is really pointless. It happened the way it happened.
One of the hardest images in my mind that just can't seem to be erased is the last time I saw you. It wasn't the best farewell. I was scared to death. And had ever right to be so. Heck I was only about 5 years old. Policemen scared me. And seeing you in cuffs wasn't easy. I can't begin to imagine the frustrations you went through.
I hated my family for keeping you away from me. I hated that they would tell me the things you had done. They wanted me to hate you. They wanted me to forget about you. But how can I? How can anyone forget their dad? I've tried but it is still apart of my life. Wondering what could've been. Wondering why? So many things I never understood and still don't. I cried so many times. Got wrapped up in bad things to forget. Drank myself to oblivion. Did drugs to ease the pain. Today I am clean and sober. I think you would've been proud of me. I will have 3 years clean and sober next week. It wasn't easy, but I have made it this far.
I know you struggled with your own poisons too. So I think you can relate to those issues. I also think that maybe you were insecure for whatever reasons.

When I was a kid...you were like a giant to me. Now that I am an adult, I wonder how big you really are.
I'm still the only one I know without a middle name...just like you. I wondered why you chose me to not have a middle name. I think it shows that there is something there between us that no can take away or replace. Regardless of whatever reasons you left. I hope you know that I never forgot you. I have struggled and still do at times with the thought of you. I have even tried to find you, but to no avail. I wanted you to be there for my wedding...and I really wish you were there when it fell apart too.
I have forgiven you a long time ago for the things that you did. It still hurts sometimes, but I grow stronger each time I get through those thoughts. I'm still a bleeder just like you. Happens all the time. I can't help but think about you when I get bloody noses. Sounds silly, but I know it's because of you that I am that way. Well, I realize this is just an email to some guys website, but inside I'm talking to you. I just wish you would've been there for me. I guess the best thing you could do for me as a dad was not being there. Either way I miss you. I wish it could've been my choice and not everyone else's.
Love you,
Rachel
< more messages to read >> << send a message >> << more from the site owner >> << back home >>