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I Miss My Dad

Seven months have passed since you died in my arms and I have been fighting off depression to no avail. I am confused by the way mom is acting and I know that I have dissapointed her by not being as strong and capable of taking care of her in her old age as she needs me to be. I have failed her and I cannot seem to find my way through the haze that surrounds my heart and head since you have gone. I was warned of your passing in a nitemare before you took sick and I remember waking up crying and telling my boyfriend in hysterics that I would not know what to do for mom if you did die and although a few months would pass before my nitemare would start to become a sad reality it NEVER could have prepared me for being there feeling helpless and terrified as you took your last 2 breathes in my arms while waiting for the ambulance . No matter how much I begged you not to leave me like this and no matter how much I told you that we all loved you and needed you here no matter how messed up watching the person I loved most in the world die in my arms NOTHING in the world could have prepared me for this , I think every now and then what did I do to deserve such pain and a neverending heartwrenching memory filled with feelings of fear helplessness and despair then it comes to me you needed me there , it was comforting to you in those last minutes of your life to know I was there and that mom would be ok and that you would be able to let go knowing that we would be there to sort through the sadness and the chaos. I know that mom needed me there because it was too much for her to ever even dream of dealing with alone or at all, her heart is forever breaking and I am at a loss for how to fix us both. I have faith that I will find my way out of this heavy heart and head hopefully soon and I will be there for mom, I need to be and I want to be ,she did it for me my whole life. I just wish I was stronger and I wish that I was able to focus just long enough to see past the pain and the fear of failing her as I felt I did you even though I know there was nothing I could do to save you. I miss you dad and lately I have been remembering things that are not good about you and make me mad at you but I don't mean it I guess I am just looking for a reason to let you go just enough so that I can feel something again because numb is not an exceptable state of being when you need to pick up the pieces and move on to the next level of adulthood. I don't blame you dad I am just very lost and heartbroken without you. Please forgive me if I don't always come to see you now , it's just if I don't go there I sometimes get this false sense of hope that one day I will walk in the house and you will be there reading the paper and then this forever nitemare will be over and things will be alright again because it was only a horrible ,awful dream. I will beat this dad I have to because you wouldn't want me to be sad and I don't want to be sad I promise I will beat this and take better care of mom because I learned how to be strong from you. Love you and miss you more then any words can ever describe.

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