I Miss My Dad
January 1st 2002 3:30 AM Just 3 1/2 hours into the new year and 3 1/2 hours
past my birthday.
My father Dies in my arms with his last breath he tells me to take his hand
and hold it.
With the other arm he reaches for my mother pulls her down to him and kisses
her goodbye.
then he make sounds as if he is choking,
and I notice Blood in his mouth he's to week to turn over himself so I hold
him close and roll him over.
Never have I seen so much Blood,
theres nothing I can do but hold him and now he is gone.
I go numb as I see my fathers empty eyes and I close them.
My family moves to the other room for privacy as I call for him to be picked
up.
While IM on the phone I notice my socks are soaked in blood as well as my
left pant leg.
But the numbness of my father dyeing takes over and the blood doesn't bother
me.
I know in my heart I was there for him when he needed me the most as was he
for me.
The next day IM on the phone calling family all over and the funeral home
and the insurance companies and planning the service sending invitations and
this goes on for several days. With an accational cry inbetween.
I had a great job which I now have lost,
My wife and I haven't had sex in 4 months and its my choice.
Every day IM angry and feel I would rather knock someone out as argue with
them.
I see my fathers pictures hanging in my home and it hurts to look at them.
Most would think I am nuts for what I say in this email that I hope you post.
I think others input would help these hurts and angers that I feel. I just
want things back to normal, sometimes I think I haven't let go yet or fully
grieved.
Cancer has no mercy my grand father died of it as well as my father, and I
wonder when it will come calling for me.
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