I Miss My Dad
DAD, It has been 15 days now....but it seem like yesterday... I just wanted to let you know (but then again) you already know......we (me and you) still have our coffee everyday because I come and visit you at your final resting place...and sit there and talk to you....I miss you so much... it feels like you are on vacation...who would of known in the emergency room that early morning that I LOVE YOU would of been the last words we would speak to you face to face... I know you was scared when they said they had to take you to the cath lab.. and that image on your face i remember clearly because it shows that hero's are real... they get scared...I have never seen anything scare you before in my 36 years.. and that just breaks my heart dearly....I did not want you to be scared dad...I would of done anything to take that away....when you was back there in the cath lab, I was doing my best to wheel and deal with the big man.. I would sacrificed anything for you to be o.k... I told the big man that I would give up Dave.. the man that is so much like you... and that I love dearly words cannot express..I told him that I would not see him anymore as long as you were o.k... mom said you would of kicked my butt for that because you loved Dave also...after all the hard times I have had with my ex husband.... I was finally happy.. I know what the meaning of the word truly is now....and you new that.. how I light up when he calls... my eyes sparkled and I just glowed.. you new because you saw it.. but I was willing to give up anything and that is the only thing I could think of that meant the world to me to sacrifice...but it did not work.. the big man took you... I can only think that he needed you more and has bigger plans for you....it is like you to get everything ready... I know you are up there in the clear blue sky getting our final resting place ready for all of us when we take that journey alone you will be there to great us... and I cant wait... I know it has to be when my life is complete.. whether it be tomorrow or 50 years from now.. I know you will be there to great me... and welcome me home.... but dad I have to ask you to visit Rick and Jim they are not doing very well.... tell them it will be o.k... and all....I just want to tell you again that I will cherish that father daughter dance we finally did get this year in my heart forever...I know we did not dance at my wedding because it was not a happy day... but we finally did get it.. and I thank the big man upstairs for that....I miss your smell... I miss you standing in the kitchen putting coffee in the microwave.. I miss everything ...I want you back so bad... we was not done dad.. I wanted you to walk me down the isle 1 last time .. but this time me and you would be looking up and smiling from ear to ear... I go and smell your comb just so I can be near you.....but you know what makes this a little bit easier.. before they turned off the ventilator I told you it was o.k. to go ... that I loved you and always will ... but if you did not want to go you had to fight like heck now.. and you made your choice.. you went to sleep....I hope you are not mad at us for you being on those machines.. I know you did not want that but we had to give Tim a chance to get home from Tennessee....he spent time with you when he got here.. then we all crowed into that little room in the ICU and held your hand and surrounded you with all that love you gave us.. I was at the head of your bed laying there with you.. rubbing your head and face ....the boys made me, mom and Sheila go home after...but I made them stay until they picked you up because I did not want you to be alone.... I know we are not alone you will be with us everyday!! well better go i will talk later.. see you this evening.. for our coffee... I LOVE YOU DAD.......and i am honored you are my dad.. PS..You looked very handsome.. laying there in your jeans and grandpa jean shirt.. you did not have no make up on... it was like you was at peace...you still had your age spot and your freckles.. and your tan line from your watch... that was awesome...i am glad you did not have to suffer...a slow and long painful journey....
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