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I Miss My Dad

I'm 26, and my father just died of a heart attack at the age of 49, on Oct 26th. His 50th birthday was November 11th. We talked almost everyday, mostly by IMing. His first heart attack was almost exactly a year before his death. Its been about a month I guess since, but it feels like it was last week. Its like it hasn't even happened in my head, its hard to get a reality grip on it...and I haven't had a minute alone to myself since then. I'd like to say to my dad that I miss him. If i had the chance to talk to him one last time, I'd say "Daddy I love you, I miss you,.... make sure you come make your presence known around me alot during my life, and make sure you're there with me when i die....help me in some way cope with you being gone like this..." I know there's no reason for death, but thats always what we want to know, WHY? Why did it have to happen to us so young, and why couldn't our kids grow up with thier grandpa like others will be able to? I'm really angry - and although i know i will get over that part, i know I have to live with this loss and sadness forever...and wishing he was there at family events, and not being able to call or IM him and tell him some dumb story. I never again will get to hear him say "What part of NO don't you understand?" or watch him do that goofy chicken dance, or laugh...I dont ever get to hear his stories about how he pulled a prank on someone, and hear him laugh about it. Its killing me, because there's nothing I can do about it, just one more tragic moment to carry with me until my own death.

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