I Miss My Dad
Hey pops, I am writing here to try to relieve some of the load I am carrying. I can not even put a finger on when I actually lost you. Alzheimer's had taken bits and pieces of you away for years. One thing about you though, you kept your mild mannered personality nearly to the end. What a sweet loving person you were, I can barely live with out you. It has been 7 months, and it gets worse, not better. Having to place you in the nursing home was the worst day of my life. I wish there was a way I could have taken care of you, but mom just couldn't deal with it. I remember telling you about the veterans home, and how you aways said that is where you should go if the time came. Even in your confused state, you cried, knowing somehow, that it would be the end, and that you didn't "know" anyone there. I visited as much as I could, driving the hour to see you. Sometimes you would tell me that you knew I was busy, and that I should go. I used to hope that you would forget who I was, just to make it easier for me to leave you. Selfish on my part, but the only way I could cope. But you never forgot who I was and did your best to stop crying when I was there. That is what made it painful to leave you. Then they l would tell me that you cry all day. Waiting for us to come. My heart was ripped out every day. You asked about all your brothers, and often "saw" them in the home. You never got used to that place, it was never home to you. You had such a large family, with many good memories in your childhood. I wish you had told me more about yourself as a young man. Now all I have are tons of old photographs to look at and try to imagine your life before me. I felt terrible about not being with you when you died. But I could not bear to see you go. I was up all night thinking of you being alone. I will never forget it. There would never be an easy way to see you go. I miss your sly smile, your great sense of humor, and your logical answers to any problem. I will always remember fun times we had fishing, sailing, and adventuring on the beach. When I stopped to see you that last day. I wished I could see your beautiful kind blue eyes. But you were so bad that you could not even open them. I wish I could have split myself in two, one to stay with you and one to go and hide somewhere safe, so I would not have to let you go. I have carried you ashes and placed them in the place you love the most. I have not yet brung myself to disperse them. It just isn't a good time for me yet. I am terribly alone. The holidays are not a happy one for me. I can only hope that you are happy in heaven, and that you have finally found your brothers and sisters, grandma and pop pop, and your good friends Bill and Artie, and that you are off sailing on some great blue sea. I will be looking for you when my time comes. Love your only daughter. Carolyn PS. I still can not tie a good knot.. :-) I need you to teach me. Your one and only little girl
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