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I Miss My Dad

It is coming up on the one year annivesary of my father's death. It is tearing my heart out. I still cry every day. It still hurts just like it did on April 15th, 2003. People keep telling me that time will make it better, but it doesn't, and quite frankly, I'm not sure if I want it to get better. It almost feels that if I quit crying, I'm letting go, and I don't want to let go, I want my father! I am 36 years old, a wife and a mother of three children ages 6 - 18. I am a very stong person, but this has proven to be more than I can deal with. I can't seem to accept that he is no longer here for me to talk to at 11:00 every night like we did for so many years. My heart is broken, and even though I have lost people close to me, I have never felt the pain that I have from losing my father. My sister wants me to scatter his ashes, but I can't let go of them. I took care of my father the last eight months of his life. He moved in with us right after he was diagnosed with liver cancer. It was so hard watching him deteriorate over time. I did everything I could to keep him alive. Even though I knew that there was really no truly effective treatment available for him, and I knew what the end result would be, I was truly never prepared to lose my father, my best friend, my dad. I am literally a lost soul right now.

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