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I Miss My Dad

Daddy I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you got sick so suddenly, I'm sorry that I wasn't there to make you go to the doctor. Daddy I'm sorry I was resentful about spending time with you in the hospital every day. I'm sorry I was so demanding on you and the nurses, but I really believed you could get better. I wish you had felt like you could've been honest with us. I wish you could've been honest about your pain, about your condition, about not sleeping at night- although once you told us, those nights I spent with you at the hospital I'll remember forever. I wish the doctors had figured out why you got sick so suddenly. I wish you hadn't had to wait for a transplant. I wish you'd been able to enjoy your retirement. You were so young, and you gave your life to helping kids and never really spent enough time with your own- and it's okay Daddy, I'm not upset about that anymore. The church said yours was the biggest funeral they'd ever had. You touched so many people's lives Daddy that the reception line was hours long- and everyone waited to talk to us: NFL players, teachers and coaches from everywhere, kids who claimed you'd saved their lives... I wish I'd known more about your life. I wish I hadn't been so mean and given you the respect and attention everyone else could see you deserved. I'm sorry I was such an awful daughter. I'm sorry I made everyone so miserable. Mommy cries all the time. I don't know what to do. I have to go back to school daddy, and I don't know how I'm going to leave her alone here. I never thought you loved me. I never thought you knew I how much I loved you until Mom told me that you knew I withdrew from school to be with you. I hope you heard me singing to you that night. I hope you never heard me crying. I'm sorry I made the nurse drug you during your last two days. You were in so much pain daddy, I couldn't bear it and Mommy couldn't make any decisions at that time. I hate that I had to make my father's medical decisions as a teenager. But mostly, I cry every night because you felt that going off dialysis and dying sooner rather than later would help anyone in our family. I don't resent your decision because I know you were in incredible pain, but I can't believe your selflessness. I want to be like you daddy. I want to make you proud as I grow up. I hope you felt my hand.

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