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I Miss My Dad

I didn't think I would lose you so soon. I figured I'd have more time, more days of us swapping stories, maybe another trip to West Virginia where we would share memories and laughs. I just miss you so much, I have a thousand questions for you, and the memory of you in that hospital bed threatens to overshadow every good thing in my life. Bluegrass makes me break down, missing you, and I miss sharing your joy in that particular form of music. It's been nearly five months, and I feel as lost and shocked as I did on Thanksgiving when we knew there was no hope. I cling to mom, fearing what will be when she follows you-- years from now, I pray. I need your opinion and your knowledge, I need you. The knot in my heart is always there, knowing you aren't going to answer the phone when I call, knowing your office is empty, that chair you used to nap in a slap in the face every time I look in there. I know I have to go on but it hurts so much, there are so many questions, so many things I need to ask you. I am thankful for what we did have- grateful that we were friends and shared so much, but I needed more, dad. I wasn' t ready, and I don't think you were either. I prayed by your bedside, holding your hand. I kissed your head and knew my life would never be the same. The strength and power you took away leave me weak and helpless. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard, relentless and agonizing, I miss you every day. You didn't raise me to cry and give up. I will be strong because I have to be, in your memory, for you, because that's the way you would want it. I will not shrivel up and die because there is work to be done, things that must be completed, and I will never forget what you gave me, in character and determination. For you dad, I'll go on when all I want to do is bawl like a baby. I'll take care of mom because I love her and you did too- more than any man I ever saw. I promise to make her as happy as she can be without you. I miss you dad. I have heard people say "I felt closer to dad when he died." I don't feel that way at all. You're so far away, and I wish I could have you for another episode of Antiques Roadshow or Nova. I know you were not a churchgoing man, but you were spiritual, you had faith in God, and you did more good than we knew until after you were gone. Be at peace dad, and wait for me. I'll try to make you proud.

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