There is this empty feeling in the middle of my gut whenever I think of you, or look at your picture which looks so real, or am reminded by a thousand triggers everyday. You were, are, and always will be my rock. I hear you telling me what to do with the kids whenever I ask you, and sometimes when I don't ask. When you had your stroke last year I was there with you so much. It was like the old days when I lived at home and we would sit quietly together watching TV and working crossword puzzles, and watch the Indians play. You were doing so well. The physical therapy was working. I really thought you were going to recover. I had no idea that you would never go home again. I didn't dare think that. It was a long year and when you started to go downhill I couldn't take it. I never thought this could really happen. You were so much a part of the world. You were a larger-than-life personality to so many, especially me. You had so many friends that were honored to call you their friend, like you were a movie star or president or something. I know I wasn't there for you enough toward the end. I just couldn't take it. I was there everyday in the end. It was as if God laid a hand on me and gave me strength. I couldn't take how you were suffering so much. Remember when I would come in to see you and tell you how much weight I lost? You would always manage a smile and a thumbs up. I was going a little mental in the end. I didn't see anyone for a month. I cried, sobbed, screamed, rocked back and forth, and prayed for help. This went on all day and night. Losing you was something that terrified me. I hate how you suffered. I couldn't handle it. My therapist says that was my grieving, that to me, that was when you left me....when I realized you were going to leave me in this world to fend for myself. I just wanted to go with you, to start as a little girl again and be with you so much more. I am so happy that you really knew how much I loved you and how much I respected you. I miss you so much Dad. I know that you will be with me always. The hardest part of all in this process is when I forget you are not here. I will be driving somewhere and see something or hear about something or a question comes up that I want to ask you. That is the dark hole for me. That is the sick feeling I get in the middle of my stomach. But I'll tell you something. At the end of the tears there is ALWAYS a smile. You still reach me deeply. Daddy, I miss you so much and I will always love you with all of my heart. You were always the one I wanted to please and impress. You were so important to me and your opinion of me was my measure of success. All my love, All my life, Your Daughter

I Miss My Dad

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