oh d, i feel like i've lost my mind. i feel so much pain and yet so numbed to the world. it has been over 3 months, and i still can't believe that you are gone. it isn't fair. it was way too soon. how did this happen? what is my life going to be without you, d? you were the center of my world.... of everyone's world. i was your precious apples annie and special and a 'princess' in your eyes, but now i'm just a dazed, distraught, strange woman - and i'm lost without you. i can't seem to shake this uncontrollable sadness and longing for you. the things i would say to you if i just had a couple of minutes.... 1. i love you more than words can say or hugs and kisses can reveal 2. thank you for every little and big thing - i owe you my life and i'm so grateful that i had you in my life for 31 and a half years. 3. i am so proud of the way you lived your life - your sobriety, your spirituality, your generosity, your amazing capacity for love and acceptance, your zeal for life, your happiness, your humor and childlike wonder - i so wish that my children would be able to know you. you taught me all that i know about unconditional love. i'm forever in debt to you for that. thank you. 4. i am going to get married, d - and john never had the chance to ask you for my hand and you aren't going to walk me down the aisle. i hate the thought of you not being there on my most important day. i miss you so much everyday. please know that i'm going to carry you in my heart - and i'll wear the silver, diamond heart pendant that you gave me when i was a little girl - your picture will be inside. 5. we moved back home, d - just like you wanted us to - i'm so sorry it is too late. we are taking care of your house and of your beloved, sebastion - he misses you, too. 6. please come to me everyday in memories that i have forgotten, a dream, or a bird's song or any way that you can let me know that you are still with me. i need you so much, d - i know that i'll see you again - but that may not be for 60 years - i need to know you are with me everyday. 7. say hi to grandma and grandpap, grandma and pop-pop, aunt ella, aunt dodie, david, danny - and jerry garcia if you see him!!! :) tell them that i love them and miss them all too - and that i'm jealous that they get to laugh at your jokes and enjoy your presence and your gorgeous smile and beautiful eyes. i'm so glad that i can still look at your eyes when i look in the mirror. 8. i had a piece of your easter cake - i loved the purple icing and the peeps - but the cake itself was pretty gross. maybe you died because it tasted like shit. hehehe...just kidding. i'll make a cake in your honor every easter till the day i die - it will always have purple icing and yellow peeps on top. 9. i am going to keep that promise that i made to you, d.... i am going to defeat my demons - and i will meet you on the beach in a bikini!!!! I PROMISE! i love you to the moon and back, my d, forever, your apey

I Miss My Dad

oh d, i feel like i've lost my mind. i feel so much pain and yet so numbed to the world. it has been over 3 months, and i still can't believe that you are gone. it isn't fair. it was way too soon. how did this happen? what is my life going to be without you, d? you were the center of my world.... of everyone's world. i was your precious apples annie and special and a 'princess' in your eyes, but now i'm just a dazed, distraught, strange woman - and i'm lost without you. i can't seem to shake this uncontrollable sadness and longing for you. the things i would say to you if i just had a couple of minutes....
1. i love you more than words can say or hugs and kisses can reveal
2. thank you for every little and big thing - i owe you my life and i'm so grateful that i had you in my life for 31 and a half years.
3. i am so proud of the way you lived your life - your sobriety, your spirituality, your generosity, your amazing capacity for love and acceptance, your zeal for life, your happiness, your humor and childlike wonder - i so wish that my children would be able to know you. you taught me all that i know about unconditional love. i'm forever in debt to you for that. thank you.
4. i am going to get married, d - and john never had the chance to ask you for my hand and you aren't going to walk me down the aisle. i hate the thought of you not being there on my most important day. i miss you so much everyday. please know that i'm going to carry you in my heart - and i'll wear the silver, diamond heart pendant that you gave me when i was a little girl - your picture will be inside.
5. we moved back home, d - just like you wanted us to - i'm so sorry it is too late. we are taking care of your house and of your beloved, sebastion - he misses you, too.
6. please come to me everyday in memories that i have forgotten, a dream, or a bird's song or any way that you can let me know that you are still with me. i need you so much, d - i know that i'll see you again - but that may not be for 60 years - i need to know you are with me everyday.
7. say hi to grandma and grandpap, grandma and pop-pop, aunt ella, aunt dodie, david, danny - and jerry garcia if you see him!!! :) tell them that i love them and miss them all too - and that i'm jealous that they get to laugh at your jokes and enjoy your presence and your gorgeous smile and beautiful eyes. i'm so glad that i can still look at your eyes when i look in the mirror.
8. i had a piece of your easter cake - i loved the purple icing and the peeps - but the cake itself was pretty gross. maybe you died because it tasted like shit. hehehe...just kidding. i'll make a cake in your honor every easter till the day i die - it will always have purple icing and yellow peeps on top.
9. i am going to keep that promise that i made to you, d.... i am going to defeat my demons - and i will meet you on the beach in a bikini!!!! I PROMISE!

i love you to the moon and back, my d,
forever, your apey

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