Dear Dad, I know you died I saw your body lying there lifeless. I watched as the machine closed down and fired up. I carried your ashes away in my arms. I can read your death certificate and it's you that it is for. I can still smell the scent of you on your clothes and it is fading away. I look for you and sometimes forget that you are not here in your physical self anymore. I miss your love. I am glad for the special times we shared. Your silly songs and how you never just blended in with the rest of the world still make me smile. It is just hard for me to know you died alone. How much medication you were given just days before you died...how I knew this day would come and how much I didn't ever want it to. How much I hope there truly is a God and a afterlife. How much it hurts when people who talked to me before are afraid to approach me now for not knowing what to say. How much I want to speak about you and share memories of you with people who loved you. How this world stifles emotions when someone we love has died. How I could not take more time off of work for fear of loosing my job and not having enough money to make due. I know even if I had one more day with you it would never be enough. The worst part is that we had plans together. We were going to visit together on August 19th. We had plans to go fishing and hang out together. It was less than four weeks away on July 22,2001 when you died overnight. I only hope it didn't hurt you or make you feel scared. If only somehow I knew you were okay with dying I might be okay. I know you know I love you and I know you love me. I just want you to know a big part of me is hurting for you and longing for you to make it all better. I miss knowing you would be calling again. Knowing that your voice is only a memory now in my mind makes me sad. Do you know how quickly this world expects people to get over the greif of their loved ones makes it harder to get through it? Well dad "Thank You" for the time we had together. I am going to cry now and get some of this pressure out. I only wish I had your arms holding my head as I cried on your shoulder. You are my dad and I am not about to forget you. Holly and I are still making arrangements for your memorial services up here in New York.. I wish my aunts and uncles would help us out with them. I feel like we have already been through too much. I feel drained. I suggested we have our family labor day barbeque at Belmont lake state park like we use to because that's what you would have wanted...Just for your family to be together, but I don't know. Well dad take care and feel at peace..no more pain,doctors pricking your skin and medications to swallow....you have traded in this shell for freedom. I will look for you in the summer night's sky. I Love you ~Joy

I Miss My Dad

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